Friday, October 22, 1999

Ringside Shadows #83: A Complete Waste of Time

I don't have much to say before jumping into this, as the majority of my audience is more than likely skipping this post, as per my advice. However, if you missed the Juventud / Silver King v. Blitzkrieg / Kaz Hayashi match on Thunder, you missed one of the sweetest tag matches in the history of mankind. Do you realize what it takes to get me out of my seat? I sat and shook my head when Shawn Michaels took his infamous leap from the top of the ladder in the Summerslam IC battle against Scott Hall. My jaw hit the floor and my ass sat in the chair when Mick Foley jumped from the Hell in a Cell. Last night, when Blitzkrieg hit a crazy series too fluid to imagine, capped off by a leaping enziguri and Kaz suddenly drilled a reverse springboard moonsault from the top to the floor on Juvi, I jumped off my sofa. Utterly unbelievable. Anyway.

I recently picked up a copy of WWF: Attitude from Acclaim. It's a waste. Its only saving grace (as was so with Warzone) is the create-a-wrestler function, which is remarkable. I'd meant to capture a head-shot of my created athlete, patterned after myself (with underwear on my head), and just include that with a column. However, the wonder that is technology intrigued me once more, and I went techno-happy, capturing 33 still shots and a Quicktime movie document in just under an hour. The sick thing? I pulled it all off in the computer lab on campus, where I collect my paychecks for the next year and a half. I received five dollars and fifteen cents for what you're about to take in.. enjoy.

What you are about to see is not a recreation. Both the characters involved, and the events surrounding them are real. No punches were pulled, no kicks feigned, not a powerbomb was botched. This is the big time. "Ms. Biggie" takes on Jerry "The King" Lawler for the 7th contender's spot in the climb to the European title. All right here, right now..

The competitors

Entering the ring, Biggie takes a moment to pose for the millions upon millions of jealous men and adoring women who would give their lives for a glimpse beneath the underpants, and a chance at the fame, the fortune, the fantasy... the Drqness.

A crowd-pleasing crotch chop

...and there it is. The groin of groins, the pelvic region to write home about, the promised land.. Maybe I'm taking this WWF-style shooting a bit too far. Let's say the average-sized 'area' possessed by the man who doesn't know the meaning of the word miniscule, the one true Biggie.

Ms. Biggie talks trash

OK, 3 scenes of this calibur will tell you one thing for certain.. I must've been on something when I captured this. At any rate, the legend himself takes the opportunity to size up his opposition, and talk a little trash. Being that I hold no control over what this tool chooses to say, nor when he says it.. my witty insults usually come off as something lame, like "You must be off..your..track..". Rest assured if this were 2020, and programmable phrases were available, Ms. Biggie would be uttering something more along the lines of "...don't make me bring out the llama. I'll do it! I'll do it! He's raaaaandy!"

Jerry Lawler talkin'

...meanwhile Lawler banters on for hours with the longest and largest collection of lame insults in the game. He's just shivering in this one, though, imagining what fate may be in store with him should the llama be released.

The true legend, Ms. Biggie starts off the match with a little sweet chin music, his cheap-ass maneuver of choice. Due to his choice in footwear, this move has been aptly nicknamed by those who have felt its wrath in the past as "The Loafer". The easiest non-basic move in the book, this more than likely won't be the last time these loafers come out to play. Meanwhile, Lawler starts his offense with a weak little reversal into a bodyslam that flattens your hero and mine.

Bouncing right back up, Biggie screams "To hell with psychology, I work for Vince McMahon!! WAhoooooooo!!" and delivers a strong boot to the midsection that Lawler has no choice but to sell as though he'd just taken the largest shit in the world.. sideways. Before The King knows what's hit him, Biggie turns it into an X-Factor, then goes for an early pinfall which ends without a single count. In disbelief, Biggie looks to the stands like a deer in the headlights, slowly raises his left arm, and then does the unthinkable.. sticks it down the back of his pants. The stench fills the arena as the big one delivers "The Stinky Poo Poo Claw" directly to Lawler's mouth.

Enraged, Lawler connects with a stiff jumping lariat that knocks out 4 of the clown prince's favorite teeth, one of which is very.. very long! Never one to be taken advantage of, not to mention by a 300 lb, panting, sweat-beast of a man, Biggs drives home the official favorite move of Attitude, the life-threatening arm bar. Lawler has no choice but to answer this challenge with a vertical suplex, and some mighty no-selling of his own.

Impressed by his opponent's vast knowledge of sports entertainment, the endowed-one takes a step back and offers his hand in a gesture of friendship and comradery. Never one to pass up an opportunity, King accepts and shakes Bigg's hand, only to see it reversed into a DDT!! Biggie takes the opportunity and stomps a veritable mudhole into the royal one as he lies on the mat. Biggs wanders over to a rope, ascends, and displays his masculinity in a generous crotch chop up top. Meanwhile, Lawler recovers. Seeing his opponent's motion, Biggie attempts a hurricanrana (which, if you know me, is hilarious to even imagine), but it's reversed into a powerbomb!! Slow to get up from this assault, but not too slow, the Big Bad Underoos Daddy reaches out on his way up from the floor, grabs lil' Jerry, and gives it a mighty twist. Lawler collapses.

This time Biggie wastes no time, and jumps right into his submission hold of choice, the figure four leglock. After a strong fight, Lawler reaches the ropes.. but no sooner is he on his feet, then "Big-Small-don't-Matta-at-All" leaps into the air and nails a hurricanrana. With Lawler winded, Biggie takes a swipe at WCW and "hulks up" for no reason whatsoever. After this debacle, he finds his way back to the Burger King's favorite spot on the mat and does.. some maneuver that almost resembles a surfboard..

Sensing victory, Biggie "hulks up" yet again and picks up Lawler's stunned corpse from the mat... but no sooner than he reaches a standing position, Lawler busts out a last-second reversal that sees Biggie searching for the other part of his tongue somewhere in the arena. Big-Man takes offense to the reversal, and apparantly sticks his hand into Lawler's larynx. That can't be right..

Lawler recovers his trachea, and doctors are able to deliver last-second surgery to repair the wound, as the match picks up with a big Lawler powerslam. We've only 10 slides remaining as Y'r Mom's latest lover hits another senses-shattering arm bar, and Lawler struggles to maintain consciousness. As the lights swirl, Biggie tries to help King back into our world with strong kicks to the kidneys and abdomen. King cries foul, and a flock of carnivorous pigeons fly over the ring and drench both competitors in shit (picture not available). Several minutes and a quick hosedown later, Lawler remains on his back as Biggs misses a moonsault and lands directly on the top of his head.

Never one to cry over spilled milk, the Biggest of them all answers his mistake with an audience-pleasing third arm bar of the nighr. At this point, there's nothing left for King to try except a choreographed dance number, which both men deliver to perfection. As the crowd hangs from the rafters, the Big Show Ms. Biggie mocks the Rock with a samoan drop and the People's Elbow! Just to show what kind of shape he's in, Biggie jumps from the ring and completes two full laps around the apron before climbing back in and punching the King. Picking him up for another penal-twister, King surprises our Godsend and throws him into the corner. Once there, the Pizza King tries his best to destroy Biggie's fancy facial work and has seemingly taken the advantage and momentum for himself!

..But Biggie was only playing opossum. As Lawler attempts to whip him back into the corner, Biggie pulls out the loafer and takes the King down hard. The match's last few moments are documented here, in Quicktime format. You can actually see Lawler cry in pain as he says "i quit". Post-match, Biggie stands and looks down with disgust at his fallen opponent. All his efforts are rewarded with this sad little congratulatory screen, and a playing of his music. Needless to say, this doesn't sit well with the Big wonder, and he delivers the ugliest X-Chop you'll ever see as he heads to the back.

Boy, that was ugly.. there isn't really much I can say to follow that up... sooo...
until then, i remain

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