Saturday, May 17, 2003

The World's Greatest WWE Judgment Day 2003 Preview

Whew! ...wait... needs more emphasis... WHEW! What a friggin' stinkbomb the WWE's served us up with this month! I pity John C, Dave Meltzer and the four or five other people out there who will be watching this PPV live, as it happens. What an absolutely horrendous card this truly is, nearly from top to bottom. From the gratuitous "Bikini Challenge" to the triumphant returns of Kevin Nash and the Big Show to the main event, all the way down to the untimely injury of Chavo Guerrero Jr, placing the most anticipated match on the card in limbo... this thing just reeks. And that's not the scent of awesomeness I'm detecting, infecting my upper respiratory system. That's stink on par with the turds my cat lays in his litterbox. The very same nuggets he absolutely refuses to bury, because he can't stand to endure that aura any longer than he has to. Seriously, this cat will spend half an hour covering every last drop of piss when he's finished dropping a number one, but if he cuts loose with a little two.... he's outta there like a flash of light. If you blink, he's gone. Not that I blame him. That shit be STANKIN.

Whassat? I've just spent most of my introductory space discussing the finer details of my cat's bowel movements? Is that some kind of sign? Because I think it is. Nine matches. Two I'm legitimately interested in. Four I'd rather stew in a septic tank than watch. No momentum toward next month, no matter who wins their respective match. That's a big frowny face from yours truly.

Chris Benoit, Brian Kendrick & Rhyno vs. Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli & John Cena

So much for John Cena, plowing a new path for fresh talent in the main event scene. That ain't happening any time soon... instead, the WWE's decided to lump all of Smackdown's fresh names into one or two matches, facing off against one another, and all of RAW's future main eventers into a single battle royal. Nice. Because god knows the sky would fall of any of these guys were actually going somewhere. I know I'd much rather see forty minutes of combined Big Show / Nash action than anything involving Benoit, Rhyno, Guerrero, Jericho, Cena, Kendrick, Booker, RVD or Christian. Because those two have proven to be workhorses, time and time again. At least Benoit's on the card this month. This one will be disjointed, because these guys haven't been given many reasons to feud with one another and there are seven total guys in or around the ringside area. Cena and the FBI need the win here more than the other three. Have I mentioned how I dislike six man tags?
Winners: FBI & Cena

Test & Scott Steiner vs. La Resistance

I actually don't mind any of these guys. I'm not exactly shitting my pants with pure excitement every time they enter the ring (that makes two poop references thus far for the Q), but they're not the kind of folks who slowly drain my soul away every time I see them. Steiner and Test are blatantly working the old "two faces team up, split and feud" angle, which is good news for both of them because they don't have anything better to do. Funny, though, three months ago we said the same thing about Kane and RVD. Funnier still, I'm still saying the same thing about those two.

Nice to see the tag division showing signs of life once again, even if they are sputtering signs of life. The flying Frenchmen come to the ring in their berets, speak a language most of the audience doesn't understand, and borrow from the Guerreros' book of "cheat to win." Test gets angry, because post match he catches Scotty S and Stacy K dry humping backstage or something. Steiner looks innocent, Stacy gets that blank, wide-mouthed look on her face and we carry on into next month's card.
Winners: Those crazy Frenchmen

Jazz vs. Trish Stratus vs. Victoria vs. Jacqueline
WWE Women's Title

The women's division has dried up and turned to powder. Jazz thinks she should stand for equality in a women's division that features one blonde white girl, two overpoweringly booked black women, a vaguely Latin woman who held the title for several months in one run, and a spattering of other talent. Trish thinks she's auditioning for the second Matrix trilogy. Jackie thinks she's a professional wrestler, and Victoria's somehow the most entertaining character in the bunch. I liked this title a lot better when it was just Trish, Jazz and Victoria at WrestleMania. Jazz retains, because Rodney Mack was ROBBED of a shot at the IC title.
Winner: Jazz

Torrie Wilson vs. Sable
Bikini Contest

This is officially dubbed a "bikini challenge." Which, I guess, is technically more correct than dubbing it a "Bikini match," as there won't be much of a match to sit back and enjoy hereabouts. I'm having a little difficulty wrapping my mind about the "challenge" in one of these, though. Is it tough to tie the little string in the back of a bikini top? Is it challenging to suppress that urge to pick the wedgie in front of a live audience? I know... it's challenging to endure the sheer agony of the practice known only as a "Brazilian." Never heard of it? Look it up. Here's a hint; it involves wax, unsightly dark hairs and a very uncomfortable place (you mean like the back of a Volkswagen?). Why not just call it the "Brazilian Challenge"? Ahhh, I guess the natives of Brazil might get a little peed off about that, wouldn't they? Is it too obvious I'm just killing time here? Let's say Torrie, because Sable was sagging five years ago.
Winner: Torrie Wilson

Team Angle vs. Eddy Guerrero & ????
WWE Tag Team Championship

It really sucks that Chavo's injury arrived at such a poor time. I wasn't so high on this feud at this point last month, but they somehow managed to make a believer out of me despite a corny, silly build-up involving gold medals and a portrait of Kurt Angle. What can I say? I'm a sucker for ladder matches that don't involve Dusty Rhodes or Bam Bam Bigelow. I'm not sure who they'll pin as Eddy's partner, though popular opinion seems to have chosen Benoit. Personally, I'd like to see somebody totally unexpected, as bringing in the Crippler would just scream of desperation, not to mention conflict with the last five months' worth of storylines. This was an easy call before Chavo's injury, and I've gotta think they'll let Eddy have his gold nonetheless.
Winners: Eddy Guerrero and ???

Lance Storm, Chris Jericho, Rob Van Dam, Christian, Kane, Test, Booker T, Goldust and Others
Intercontinental Title Battle Royal

The second match I'm interested in, even though I couldn't tell you the name of everyone involved. I do know that Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho are in the running, so I'm hoping they finally do the right thing and give Y2J the clean pinfall he deserved last month. I don't think the Intercontinental title is going to do any wonders for him at this point, but the blowoff against Michaels is vital to his future survival as a lower-tier main eventer. It's going to be interesting to see how they pull off a battle royal with, like, half a dozen people. And, god help me, if they bring in the Godfather as a "surprise addition" to the event, I'm boycotting next week's RAW.
Winner: Chris Jericho

Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper

I've been relatively amused by the Mr. America storyline thus far, but it's gonna get really obnoxious and unfunny if they don't tie it up REAL soon. It's great to see Hogan coming out to Real American again, dressing up like the Rob Liefeld Captain America and doing the old "Hulk Machine" angle, and it's time to let the whole thing die before that hand is forced. Roddy Piper's still entertaining on the mic, but for the love of god, keep him out of the ring. I was anticipating Vince making this match into a tag bout, with Hogan and Tenacious Z taking on Piper and O'Haire, and I'm willing to bet that'll happen sooner rather than later. As for right now... be strong, fellow enthusiasts. Be strong. This match is likely to be the worst the WWE has seen in YEARS.
Winner: Mr. America

Triple H (c) w/Ric Flair vs. Kevin Nash w/Shawn Michaels
World Heavyweight Title

Not only is Vince McMahon stubborn, outlandish and mentally unstable.. he's also, apparantly, deaf. Two weeks in a row now, crowds have verbally turned on Kevin Nash and his quest for the RAW World Title. And, much as I dislike Kevin Nash, I'd admit if they were wrong in coming to such a harsh conclusion. Fact is, they're not. He looks like a cripple, somebody that shouldn't be actively participating in any sort of physical competition, let alone wrestling for any world titles. He's fought in a total of five matches since returning to the Fed over a year and a quarter ago. He's injured himself in two of those matches, and has looked cautious at best in the others. He hasn't convinced me he should be between the ropes, and the feeling appears to be universal. He's working hard to make this angle work, but his best years are behind him. He shouldn't be acting as a world title contender right now, he should be working to help create them. This match will be a train wreck, and I don't care to see Nash coming out of it on top.
Winner: Triple H

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Big Show
Stretcher Match for the WWE Title

Oh, man. It's like the crap parade never stops. The Big Show is just dead weight at this point. We've seen Brock land an F-5 on him, several times. The intrigue isn't there any longer... we know it can be done, with relative ease. Paul Heyman hasn't been around to move that plot thread along. The only reason for this match's being is the Show's neat-o spot with Rey Mysterio, Jr. last month. And, apparently, Rey Rey and Ol' Brock are good chums. Not that we'd know, it was never revealed or explored in the storyline prior to this month. Stupid, reckless, spur-of-the-moment booking, two guys who last fought less than three months ago, and a main event I could give two spits about. Brock's coming out with his arm raised here, and he's REALLY gotta find some more credible opponents to pair off with.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

In Closing...

I think it's obvious, but I really don't give a shit about this pay per view. The WWE's done an absolutely horrendous job of building interest in this card, and I am genuinely concerned about how they're gonna pull it off next month, when they kick off their single roster PPV experiment. I've long supported the idea of cutting back on PPV events, but I don't think it's a good idea to do so with only half the active roster to choose from at a time. I suppose time will tell, both for Badd Blood and for this month's Judgment Day. I'm willing to bet this load of ass pulls the worst buyrate Vince McMahon's ever seen.
until next time, i remain

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