Monday, October 21, 2002

WWE RAW Review: 10/21/02

I just keep thinking the same thing, week in and week out. "It just can't get any worse than this." And bless them, those RAW writers just keep proving me wrong. Week in and week fucking out.

So let's see, what went down last night? Triple H flapped his gums, and Hurricane ran in for no particular reason. Seriously, what if Hurricane had run off with Triple H's tape and buried it somewhere in the hills of Tennessee? Sure, we'd have never been subjected to... yeah, that... but looking at this through the eyes of the storyline, it would've only made Kane seem that much guiltier in the long run. Let's see, Triple H comes out to the ring, tells us he's got a juicy video, Helms steals it forever. Boy, there must've been something on that video that the red guy didn't want us to see. I wonder if he would've... killed... to keep it out of the public eye? hmmmm...

OK, so we hear from Triple H about how he's the best thing for the company, about how he deserves to be where he is today, he EARNED it. And then he goes on to prove his point by squashing the living hell out of a guy who made a big jump to RAW less than a month ago, starring in the worst main event we've seen in years, ruining the angle that followed, and putting the viewing public through fifteen of the most embarrassing minutes EVER SHOWN ON TELEVISION. Way to hit it out of the park, booker-man. I know I'll never criticize you again.

Jeff Hardy and Christopher Nowinski seemed to be moving in slow motion last night. That, or they were wrestling underwater and I just wasn't made aware. Poor Jeff's woes continue, and I wonder if the guy will ever realize what it was that made him so exciting to watch all those years ago. It wasn't the retarded elephant paintings covering half his body, nor was it that goofy blacklight-sensitive powder he buries himself in pre-match. The next Shawn Michaels? More like the next Koko B. Ware.

Regal and Storm are still together, with their new tights. Storm's needed a new look for a while, even though I still didn't mind the black and red long tights. And meanwhile, Regal has completed his transformation to the Steven Regal of WCW. He's slapping people around when he wants to, he's going nowhere fast, he's stuck in a dead end tag team, and now he's playing the nationality card full time. I guess this has been the case for a couple weeks now, it just took the change in wardrobe for me to notice. The match was below what I'd expect from the two, with Spike of all people collecting the three count. Pretty cool how Regal sold the finish there, taking the bulldog, laying down for three and then immediately, casually rolling out of the ring and walking away as though nothing had happened. Storm wraps this deal up with the sissy-kick post match, missing Bubba's head by roughly three miles, but doing enough damage with the wind alone to knock the big man out. The Dudleys are doing nothing for me, and it won't be long before Storm is in the same boat, the way this division is headed. Why don't they just let him dominate the Intercontinental Title scene? He's like the poster boy for unused midcard greatness, and the IC belt is... ... ...shit.

I'll agree with the praise from previous reviewers, Chris Jericho and Christian totally nailed their promo Monday night. They've got that whole Edge & Christian vibe going, like they're two guys who really hang out when they're off camera, and have a blast doing so. That, and they get big time points for paying more attention to past storylines than the current writing team. I remember Trish on all fours, begging like a dog not too long ago. Damn, Trish IS a slut!

I missed Bischoff's speech, because I blinked. From what I've read, he promised a gimmick called the "Elimination Chamber." What's that, a match in a port-o-potty? Better yet, maybe they'll break out "Kennel in a Cell" again, and force the guys to fight in the area between cages, nasty piles of dog shit and all. "Elimination Chamber" indeed... just break out the War Games and get it over with!

Test and D'Lo met, assuring us that one guy would finally stop his "We Seriously Don't Hold a Grudge. Seriously." losing streak. I think, combined, these guys have lost something like fifteen hundred matches in the last year and a half. I don't have a problem with pairing Stacey with Test. Neither of them were going anywhere on their own, so let the kids have fun. Kudos to Test, for catching some major league air during D'Lo's powerbomb. That thing just looked vicious.

Honestly, what was it with the homosexual innuendos last night? First we have Booker T, threatening to give Chris Jericho an "injection of Vitamin T, right up his ass." Then, less than an hour later, we get Kane threatening to beat up and / or kill Triple H on the side of the road, before "playing the game" from behind. Not that it's an entirely new path, considering Rocky's past fascination with anal violations, but it's still something that caught me as very disturbing.

The mixed tag was pretty much decent. I honestly thought Trish was going to snap in half when Y2J locked her in to the Walls. She was bending in all sorts of ways I'd never expect to be humaly possible. Pretty gruesome. I'm in agreement with Corey, it's great to see a heel team that can actually hold their own for a change, and win matches without breaking the rules every step of the way.

Oh yeah, and I guess there was some sort of video package airing last night, as well. I hope Hunter dies. I hope he gets ebola from handling the raw meat they used to simulate Katie Vick's brains, and dies. And I hope Kane really does violate his rotting corpse. Twenty minutes of my life I'm never going to get back. Inexcusable, and roughly twenty times worse than anything WCW ever did. I'd take David Arquette's championship run over this. I'd take the Black Scorpion in favor of this. Hell, I'd watch the Giant fall from a twenty story building over and over again before I'd agree to watch this slop again. Never have I ever been so embarrassed to be a wrestling fan, and considering some of the muck I've waded through, that says one HELL of a lot. Fuck you, WWE. Fuck you in the asshole with a rubber dildo.

With the audience sufficiently shell-shocked, the program attempted to move on from there.

Al Snow doesn't have it anymore. There, I've said it. I LOVED the guy when he debuted, and again when he had the potential angle of the year with Rocky right on his doorstep some time ago. This isn't the same guy. He doesn't look like he gives a crap in the ring, and his character on the outside is dull. Sorry to see it happen.

Far and away the brightest moment of the night was Shawn Michaels, and his WWE New York (err... The World) promo. Simply put, classic HBK. Michaels at his best, giving the fans what they want to see and shouting what they want to hear. Great, great television.

And then the main event had so much wrong with it, I won't even try to start a list. Let's just say it was, at least, a step up from the previous Triple H segment and leave it at that.

In conclusion... holy hell. When I was growing up, I read the comic book Spawn almost religiously. Spawn was my absolute favorite character, and I was a die-hard fan. I bought everything with his face on it. I saw the movie, I collected the toys, I purchased every issue of the comic book the very day they were released. My collection numbered well into the hundreds. I collected this book for YEARS, and then one day I realized what I was reading. The writing sucked balls, and had for quite some time. I was buying it for the habit of buying it, and nothing more. About two years ago, I quit buying Spawn. I went cold turkey. I sold much of the merchandise I'd bought, but I still have my unbroken string of comic books, sitting, unread for years, in a box in my bedroom. The owner, in his anxiousness to market the character, overlooked what had attracted people there in the first place. He killed his core audience, and has been suffering ever since.

I just hope, some day, I don't look next to my TV and see a bunch of old WWE videos, sitting untouched for years, as a result of this. There was a moment when I honestly sat and debated with myself. Why am I even watching this? What's keeping me here? I've been watching wrestling for almost sixteen years, and not once has a single storyline forced me to ask myself that question. Things need to shape the fuck up.

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is poor and 10 is amazing...
Overall Score: 1

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