Saturday, April 1, 2000

The World's Greatest WWF WrestleMania 2000 Preview

To call a card with a couple *** matches a success might be acceptable on an IYH or maybe even the lesser of the big 5, King of the Ring.. but for Wrestlemania, Vince is expected to deliver with everything he's got. He needs to shoot that load, and start off fresh Monday night with a whole new scene. Wrestlemania is more than the premiere event of the WWF, it's the culmination of a year's worth of angle development, character advancement and talent coordination. It's the last major wrestling event withholding a speck of its initial glory, and to defile it with cards like XV and now XVI is almost unforgivable. I'll go against John here and say on paper, this can't even match up with No Way Out or even the overrated Rumble. On paper, this stinks pretty heftily of ass and it's a shame.

Hardcore Championship Match - Battle Royal

Hey, here's a tasteless way to wait out the contracts of a few talented workers.. Taka, Funaki, Tazz, Crash Holly, and the only man with over 100 ***** matches under his belt, Viscera, all cram themselves into the ring alongside another handful of directionless WWF hacks. Is this how far we've come? This is an excuse for a Wrestlemania title match? Yeah, this one's bound to follow in the footsteps of Michaels/Razor, Hart/Austin, NAO/Hardcore Legends and any other legendary Wrestlemania 'hardcore' brawl. I'd have passed on this as a curtain-jerker on Heat. Since the favorite should certainly be Tazz, I'll go out on a limb and pick Crash Holly, retaining his belt through all adversity (and because I get a kick out of his 'run like hell' gimmick)
Winner: Crash Holly

D'Lo Brown & The Godfather vs. The Big Bossman & Bull Buchanan

I haven't seen enough of this new 'Bull Buchanan' guy to build an honest opinion, but I'll assume he's been placed with the Bossman for a reason.. to make the gimmick work. Either way, there's no excuse whatsoever to this match's inclusion on the card, and I wouldn't be surprised to see it knocked out during the pre-show event or Heat. Of the four, D'Lo is the only one worthy of even appearing on the event.. and his presence is token at best. I'll go with the Bossman and 'Bull' team, which I've re-christened 'full body cavity search'.
Winners: Body Cavity Search

Test & Albert w/Trish vs. Head Cheese

Remember when Test seemed destined for a main event push? Coming off a successful run as the next member of the extended McMahon family, the audience was certainly high on him. His work between the ropes wasn't earth shattering, but it wasn't poor by a longshot.. and he seemed eager to learn. Then he dropped off the face of the Earth for a while. Now he's stuck completely redefining his personality as a member of the bottom of the barrel tag team, 'T&A'. The same could be said for Al Snow. Around the same time, Al was embarking on a huge feud with the Rock, one that had that extra something special. It was a feud I was willing to buy, hook, line and sinker. Then, suddenly, Al's off television. Now he's clawing his way back to the establishment with this 'Head Cheese' gig. Sometimes life just ain't fair, guys. In ring, this one could actually end up quite surprisingly well. Test and Snow ain't no slouches, and Albert and Blackman generally suck very few assnuts on their own. I'll go with Head Cheese, though the whole thing is really rather hard to call.
Winners: Head Cheese

The Kat vs. Terri

Let's... just hope it's kept to a minimum. Terri and the Kat are both fine, fine ladies but I wonder if they'll be the ones baring themselves this Sunday night. Not only that, but if I pay for a wrestling program, I'd like to see a wrestling program. If I pay to rent a porn, I expect a porn. Let's keep the crossovers out of it entirely, shall we?
Winner: Terri won the coin toss

Too Cool & Chyna vs. Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn & Eddy Guerrero

One of the near-explainables of the card. Too Cool and the Radicals have had a nice little feud running since Malenko and Co. made the big jump, so a big time blowoff at the king of all events is certainly in order. So tell me, why's Chyna anywhere near these guys? Maybe this is another one that's been explained over the course of a dozen or so episodes of Smackdown, but I just don't get it. Things won't be too bad, as Taylor and Christopher can more than keep up with the technicians and it'll be almost an afterthought to carry Chyna between them. I wonder how strong this could've been if anybody else had been thrown into the mix, let alone somebody talented. I'm going with the Radicals because I just don't learn..
Winners: The Radicals

Rikishi & Kane w/Paul Bearer vs. Road Dogg & X-Pac w/Tori

So much for that exploding ring match, I suppose. It's probably just as well.. the WWF would've likely glamorized it and pretty much destroyed the credibility along the way. Still, I wonder if X-Pac would've done that something crazy in order to take that final step in the eyes of the WWF fans. It worked for Mick Foley, and it's beginning to look as if Waltman's situation is just as bad. He's sunk into the 'midcard for life' rut, and it's not his fault whatsoever. The audience as a whole has difficulty accepting him as a main eventer thanks to his size, and I really think this could've knocked him out of the ditch. Anyway, I don't expect to see anything here that hasn't been thrown together multiple times before.. and Kane will finally get his retribution. Let's move this one on, huh guys?
Winners: Kane & Rikishi

The Dudley Boyz vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. Edge & Christian
Triangle Ladder Match for the Tag Team Championship

We've all heard the tale of these three teams, working for months in preparation for what many hope will be the ultimate ladder match. I won't argue the point, if the stories are true and each player puts forward the night of his life, this could be one hell of a program. Then again, we could litter the atmosphere with more than enough table shots, disgusting bumps and high spots, while the audience loses interest minutes in. It's a really touchy subject, and if everything's gonna go just right there aren't 3 teams I'd rather see giving it a go. The image of 6 workers scurrying along a single ladder is more than a little bit much, but sometimes things need to be seen to be believed. The cool thing? Even if the winner walks away with the belts and the losers toil away elsewhere, the tag division still has plenty of legs to stand on. It's that strong. For winners, I'll take the Hardys and Suicide Blondes eliminating each other, with the Dudleys taking the win.
Winners: The Dudley Boyz

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho
Two fall Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental and European Championships

The only match of the card that I'll guarantee will break ***. Even if Jericho's in pure-lazy form, Angle gets lost on his way to the arena and Benoit works with a fractured skull, things will find a way to work out and develop into a super-nice three way. I like the format, I like the dual-belt push Angle's enjoying, I like Benoit's immediate entrance into the thick of things, and I like the prospect this physical confrontation presents. I'll take Angle to keep the Euro title, while Benoit sneaks away with the IC glory. Words can't explain how much I'm looking forward to this one, which is all the more reason it's likely to suck to high heaven.
Intercontinental Winner: Chris Benoit, European Winner: Kurt Angle

Triple H vs. The Rock vs. Mick Foley vs. The Big Show
Fatal Four Way Elimination Match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship

Here's our big, year-ending blowout of a main event. Something of a let-down, isn't it? Of course, if you don't pick Foley walking away with the strap in this one you're a tool.. which leads to an interesting dilemma. The WWF has swerved us so often in the past (Rocky's loss at No Way Out), a Foley win seems too obvious.. yet, Wrestlemania's main event is historically predictable (Austin/Rock last year). I'll take the legacy over the glory, which is to say I'm sticking with Mick. The match itself promises to be uglier than Rosemary's Baby after surviving a post-corn dinner Rikishi Ass-Smash. The Rock, aside from a few select spots and the catches known the world over, is pretty much useless in the ring without the undivided attention of a competent worker (an Austin, a Benoit, a younger Foley). The Big Show is, for lack of a better term, a waste. HHH, though taking big strides recently, still has a long way to go before he'll be comfortable as the company's top heel. That, and he's always been a bit too repetitious in the ring. Mick, though more than solid in his prime, has sadly taken several big steps down since his big Summerslam return. I just don't know what to think about this one, except to hope it doesn't go over 40 minutes. The image of a sweaty Big Show, a bloodied Foley, a stone-eyed Rocky and a straight-up ugly HHH is almost too much to bear, and that isn't even mentioning the McMahons in each corner.
Winner: Mick Foley

In Closing...

It's a step up. Following the downright ugly display at last year's event, I think just about anything would've been acceptable (barring a Bossman main event). A LHW defense would've added a lot of much-needed structure to this card, and trimming 3 of the 3-way matches from the lineup wouldn't have hurt, either. I've been more than vocal over the past couple weeks about my dislike for this card, so I'll keep it down this time around. There remain a couple worthwhile glimmers in the midst of this chaos, and that's good enough for me. I'd order this card based solely on the IC/Euro dance, so expect it to suck hard just to spite me. Ah, hell.. let's not analyze this one any further. If you aren't kicked back Sunday night watching this one, um.. well, you won't be watching it. But for those that are, try to enjoy it. You're bound to see something you like.
until next time, i remain
drq

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