Friday, March 17, 2000

The World's Greatest WCW Uncensored 2000 Preview

What a beaut we've got for you here this evening, as WCW offers up it's next cruise through the oceans of blow, Uncensored. I'd find it pretty humorous if the officials in the production truck went with company policy and put the blur lines in front of a fan's sign (as they've been doing glaringly on Thunder lately), effectively censoring uncensored. Anyway, we've got plenty of surefire hits on the card this evening.. Hogan and Flair reprise their 'main event that never gets old', Luger has shockingly turned on his long time friend, Sting, and if we're all really good the Demon might bust out another of his insane hardcore puro masterpieces. It's a good night to be alive this Sunday, and here's why...

The Artist vs. Psychosis
Cruiserweight Title Match

I just hope Juvi's there, because I can't get enough of his 'Rocky' gimmick. Prince Iaukea will rightfully take the win over the no talent Psychosis. This victory will have nothing to do with a close friendship with booker Kevin Sullivan and more to do with raw, untapped energy, talent and potential.

The Demon & Norman Smiley vs. Rave & Lane

So is it Lodi, Idol or Rave? No matter what name he comes out with, the man's going up against the Demon.. so his days are numbered. Since WCW isn't just letting this gimmick die a slow death until they've fulfilled their contract with KISS, I fully expect the Demon to debut a superb new aspect of his gimmick... the infamous Muta mist spot! Though Tajiri's been utilizing the bit himself lately over in ECW, he'll surely drop it the instant the 'God of Thunder' outclasses him and starts using it personally. So yea, I'm looking for that near the finish of this one... but something will go wrong! The Demon mysteriously spits the mist into Smiley's face! Oh no! Thus, the undeserving new duo roll Smiley up and take the win before our chosen champion has time to realize what he's done.
Winners: Lane & Rave

Stevie Ray & Big T. vs. Booker & Kidman

I'll only say that I hope the newest addition to Harlem Heat, that mammoth 'Cassius' machine, jumps into this. That would, of course, open the door for the obviously talented... uhm.. what's his name.. (you know, the guy with 26" arms we've been hearing so much about?) to step in, making this a 3 on 3 war of pleasure. Because anyone with 26" arms is instantly a sensational worker, there's little doubt this will impress. As for a winner, I'm looking to see Harlem Heat just pounce all over little Billy, while Booker looks bewildered over in a corner. Following a double backflip and a handspring, 'Big T' will put together something that belongs in Blitzkrieg's playbook to seal the deal.
Winners: Harlem Heat 2000

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall

Following up his breakthrough performance last month against the Demon, the Wall could be looking to keep the insiders talking about him this Sunday night. Only time will tell if a follow-up to his shooting star press from the balcony, through 2 tables and into piranha infested waters is in order here.. but I don't think Bigelow would take it. Some workers just aren't as manly as, say, the Demon. Me, I'm expecting something equally as earth shattering from the Wall... perhaps a dual-flip Shooting Star Press? Perhaps not.. but either way, Bigelow'll move out of the way and selfishly take the 'V'.
Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow

Terry Funk vs. Dustin Rhodes

Much like a good wine, Terry Funk just gets better with age. I don't think I'd have any argument if I claimed the Funker was the only man over 50 to ever even attempt a moonsault, let alone deliver one. Because Rhodes is senselessly being buried (god's sake, he's a stupendous technician!), Funk will take this one all the way home in a glorified squash. He'll finally put away dad's bastard son by picking up the entryway (yea, the whole thing.. the big 'wCw' and all) and dropping it's full weight on the poor former Intercontinental champ.
Winner: Terry Funk

The Mamalukes vs. The Harris Boys
Tag Team Title Match

I'm having a hard time containing myself where this Tag Team Title match is concerned. Never before have 2 more powerfully entertaining teams met with so much on the line. There are so many possible spots I could list during this one, as both teams have a near-unlimited repertoire... of which I can only hope we see a fraction. I'll go with the Harris Boys, wrapping things up when one of the former Bleus turns a sunset flip to the outside into a powerbomb from the apron, just as the other waits on the floor and accentuates the move by adding a reverse neckbreaker on the way down.
Winners: The Harris Boyz

Fit Finlay vs. Vampiro

Vampiro's unprecedented push continues. I haven't the foggiest idea what WCW sees in this man, yet they seem content to push him all the way to the top...while such stupendous talent as the Dog and Mike Rotunda toil at the bottom of the card. He's never even carried any gold! At the very least, Finlay's held the TV title in between undeserving champions like Booker T and Chris Benoit. This one's set to be the disappointment of the card, barring a run-in by a talent like Brian Knobs. Because nobody makes any sense in the booking department, Vampiro's push will continue through the cloverleaf.. he'll put him away with a firm right hand, or something equally as dumb.
Winner: Vampiro

Sting v. The Total Package
Lumberjack Match

For what must be the first time in their long history, Sting and Luger are bitter enemies. Though he's been out of action for quite some time, Sting won't need to worry about ring rust taking a toll here... he can rely on Luger to help carry some of the load. Luger's current 'logo on a chair' gimmick is among the most inventive and exciting of all time, and I can't wait to see how it pans out here... perhaps Sting will be wearing one of those increasingly popular arm casts before the night is through? Luger will go up top, looking for a somersault guillotine leg drop, but the Stinger will find a way to get out.. and he'll follow it up with top rope brainbuster for the win.
Winner: Sting

Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan
Strap Match

I've just climaxed at the mere mention of this one, and we've still a couple days before the men are in the same building again. A long string of orgasms will fill the arena and pay per view audience, and no words can do this match justice. Hogan will once again shock the world with a stunning promo at some point (one which will hopefully include a reference to his tearing down the arena and swimming to safety with every last hulkamaniac on his well as Donald Trump), and may just break out a Tiger Driver, which Flair would sell like a champ. It's matches like this that have convinced me WCW isn't missing Bret Hart or Goldberg one bit. Hogan takes this one home following a beautiful top rope tombstone and a diving headbutt across the ring.
Winner: Hulk Hogan

Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett
World Title Match

Impressive as he's been in the past months, Jarrett still can't hold a torch to the thundering majesty that comprises Sid. With killer promos, all around ring awareness second to none, and an array of submission holds so vast even Malenko runs for cover, Sid is literally the be-all, end-all of our sport. This one should spill over it's boundaries and fill the arena with it's awe-inspiring goodness.. and if he remains true to form, I don't see Sid dropping the strap this early. For the high spot in this one, I'm calling for a Sid 450 splash from the roof of the arena... through a half dozen flaming tables, a scaffold, and Mae Young's recently-birthed prosthetic hand (which recently jumped ship, according to rumors across the net). If it's on the internet, go ahead and mark it down kids... your winner, and still World champion is the immortal, homicidal, beast from the mountains... Sid.
Winner: Sid

In Closing...

Tell me the mere image of Hogan delivering a Tiger Driver didn't just drive this bitch home.. If you haven't realized the fun I've had at WCW's expense by now, go take another look at the card. None of my match by match descriptions should be taken seriously.. not that there's need to mention such an obvious fact. The higher ups have serious issues in expecting anyone to pay $30 for this, and I'd be surprised to see them break a 0.2 in the buyrate department. Something should be said about learning from the past as well, since the card is filled with aging talent and hacks nobody would like to see (with the obvious exception of Finlay/Vampiro and the Booker/Kidman team). Where are members of 3 Count? I realize Helms is suffering from a broken nose.. does that mean the other members can't head into the ring? Where's the Jung Dragons? What about Crowbar? Things seem to be continuing their brown-streaked downward spiral for WCW, as we haven't reached the end of the fall just yet.
until next time, i remain

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