The Demon vs. The Wall
(I kid you not, WCW has billed this its) "Special Main Event Match"
All hail the majesty of the Wall. The next big thing, WCW hasn't been skimping in their efforts to elevate this guy right up to the top. When you factor in the inclusion of The Demon (who boggled the mind as the stellar "MVP" not long ago), this one should be up there between Flair/Steamboat and Misawa/Kawada as the match of all time. I won't hope to contain this one to words, but I'm putting my money on the Wall, after a shooting star press from the balcony, through 13 tables and into shark-infested waters.
Winner: The Wall
Tank Abbott vs. Big Al
Skins Match: Leather Jacket on a Pole Match
"So I said 'let's just throw that jacket up on a pole and duke this one out!" I'd rank that one up there with Austin's KOTR 97 speech as one of the more memorable promos of our time. Tank Abbot's just magic on the mic.. a true find. Physically, this one's bound to put the Michaels/Hall ladder matches out of our minds. It looks that good. No amount of sarcasm can make this one interesting, so I'll just drop it. If you think they're jobbing the 'tank', you probably bought most of that first paragraph.
Winner: Vicious Tank Abbott
Screamin' Norman Smiley vs. 3 Count
Hey, why don't members of 3-count use those sweet-ass circles more than they do? You know, the ones they stand one during their phat music videos? You could put an eye out with a well-placed shot from one of those. Really. Seriously though, if Evan buggers off and finds a good hole to hide in, this could really be something to watch. 3-Count, while spotty as all get out, has more untapped potential than anybody left in WCW (sans Crowbar, of course). Norman's been around a bit, so he knows how to put these things together. If they let him, he could mask the flaws in Moore and Helms' games just enough to produce a competent matchup. I'm going out on a limb with this one and taking 3-count in their first clean 'v'.
Winner(s): 3-Count
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Brian Knobs
Hardcore Match
Expect a garbage can to find its way to the ring. Both men will come out wielding the ever-popular plastic dumpster, filled to the brim with dumb, useless instruments that expose the industry. A Five star encounter on par with Hart/Austin at Wrestlemania 13 is just around the corner with this one.
Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow
Booker vs. Big T
Winner Gets Ownership of the Harlem Heat Franchise
The only good that will come of this is Booker's singles push. I feel like a rabbit chasing a carrot on a stick there, though. WCW likes to tease us with the potential of a talented worker near the top of the card, so I fully expect this feud to take up a good part of 2000. Pardon me if I don't jump up right now, looking for tickets to future tv tapings. If Booker doesn't go over here, things are wrong. Wait, scratch that. Things are already wrong.. if Booker doesn't win here, he's got a justifiable excuse to commit homicide.
Winner: Booker (whose new music I adore..)
Lash Leroux vs. Prince Iaukea
Cruiserweight Title
Chad Damiani proved just how un-funny he is this past week on WCW Live! by claiming an Iaukea victory would be a 'purple reign'. Sadly, I think that one joke was the whole reason Iaukea made it to the finals. In a tourney that saw Kaz Hayashi job twice, 3-Count eliminated in 2 rounds and the disappearance of Psychosis, we're 'treated' to two of the lamer gimmicks in recent memory. LeRoux has a good chunk of charisma and I really dig his finisher, but the ridiculous accent really has to go. Iaukea wasn't really that strong to begin with, and hasn't made any effort whatsoever to get into his new gimmick.. again, I don't blame him. Against my own judgement, I'm taking LeRoux here. He's jobbed in title matchups long enough to deserve his own reign by now.
Winner: Lash LeRoux
Billy Kidman vs. Vampiro
Won't be as good as it could be. Vampiro might come out with yet another musical group, since the Misfits have apparently dumped him as well. If something happens backstage and these two find their way into the World Title match, we might see a little fire lit under both men. If not, don't look for a spectacular effort.. and I don't blame them one bit. Oh yea, I'm calling a match here, too. I'll go with Kidman over, as Vampiro continues down his road to burial.
Winner: Kidman
The Mamalukes vs. David Flair and Crowbar
World Tag Team Title Match
Here we go with our 'Sicilian Stretcher match'.. which, as everybody knows, Italians around the world are feared for. So long as Crowbar carries the majority of this load, it could actually turn out to be decent. I've been all about the man named for a... crowbar (there really aren't many ways to introduce that name, are there? Bloody hell..) for some time now, and he's finally starting to build a name for himself. With that in mind, I'm going with WCW to do the right thing here and put the emerging star's team over.. though it'll probably be through means of "Big" Vito's mother turning on him or something equally as ludicrous.
Winners: Crowbar and David Flair
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk
Death Match
By default, both these men will bleed. They could be wrestling in a barbed wire cage or a room of pillows.. it won't matter. Their foreheads are so scarred up from years of blading, an errant paper cup could bust them ear to ear. The matchup itself actually doesn't look to be half bad. Don't get me wrong, it won't send you back to memories of their first feud, but it's bound to be several times better than Hogan/Luger. The fans won't go home happy if Flair doesn't go over, and that seems to suit WCW just fine, so...
Winner: Terry Funk
Hulk Hogan vs. The Total Package
Featured Attraction Match
Good lord, did WCW think adding all these unique titles, stipulations and imaginative explanations would really help out the buy rate that noticeably? I doubt Hogan / Luger could've even hoped to measure up, had it gone without the title 'featured attraction match'. I know it's already enhanced the experience for me. There's already been one Hogan too much for my liking in this review, so I don't see any need to contribute another.. I'll take the bastard in yellow over Flexy Pooh when Sting makes his incredibly unpredictable return and Schiavone creams himself with delighted surprise.
Winner: Hogan. Brother.
Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Hall
No Disqualification 3-Way Dance World Heavyweight Title Match
I'm feeling particularly unhappy about the main event, because I don't see it panning out as anything but another Sid romp. Jarrett may give it the old college try, and if Scott Hall was 10 years younger, 20 pounds lighter and 40 beers cleaner he might have made it worthwhile. As is, Hall will show up drunk, stoned or 'hurt' because he doesn't want to job. Jarrett's not ready for the title yet, and Goldberg's not ready to make the run-in and take the title. If Hart gets off his ass and shows, he could make me interested. This just in; Sid's a punk-ass, and apparently won't be showing for this event. That pretty much screws my prediction to hell, since I'd picked Sid, if just because he'll constantly soothe me, whispering "i am the master." Seeing as how Hall's been getting funky with his 'drinky drinky' again lately, I'm seeing Jarrett take the belt.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett
In Closing...
Damned, am I glad to put that one behind me. I'd bet we hit an all time low in hits with this post. After it's all said and done, WCW's in one hell of a pit. If they don't quit digging themselves further and further in, they won't be able to claw their way back up (assuming it's not already too late). Looking for a bit of comedy? Take a look at the buyrate they're bound to collect here. And I'm spent.
until next time, i remain
drq
drq
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